All I've said is if you aren't a part of the solution, then you are a part of the problem. If you (and according to you, you are) actively challenging harmful masculine norms and standing up for women and others when misogyny/sexism/bullying of all sorts is taking place, then you are participating in being the solution and when others talk about problematic masculinity and patriarchy, they aren't talking about you so stop taking it personally. The way sociology works doesn't mean that every last person in a given demographic fits the prevailing dynamic. It just means there is a prevailing dynamic. My friend Lorelei wrote a good story about this a while back.
https://medium.com/@lweldon/the-patriarchy-is-like-nazi-germany-9fe2ba25435a
"Just as not every single last German hated Jews or did terrible things during WWII, but we still say the Germans when talking about what took place in that country at that time, when we say the patriarchy or men in society, it doesn’t need to apply to absolutely all men in order to be apt.
Not all Germans were Nazis. “As Doris Bergen writes, “Smooth functioning of the system did not require all Germans — or even most — to share every tenet of Nazi ideology. Enough enthusiasts could always be found to stage enormous public shows of support such as the annual Nazi Party rallies. On a day to day basis, the Nazi regime only needed most people to obey the law, try to stay out of trouble, and promote their own interests as best they could under the current circumstances.”
Most men are not harassers and rapists, but all it takes is the percentage that are to be living in a society that excuses and minimizes these behaviors to make for a world where most women to have had some kind of negative experience of this type. So unless when you are speaking of WWII, you don’t say “the Germans” but instead say, “the members of the Nazi party who joined it enthusiastically and actively embraced all of its tenets,” you really ought to stop complaining about the term patriarchy. It’s being used to describe a social system that is centered around male power and that has been used to disempower and abuse women for thousands of years. "
As a white person who tries very hard to be a good ally, to stand up for racial equality, and to call out bigotry when I see it, I don't get all bent out of shape when Black people complain about white society or behavior because I know that it's entirely justified, and that they aren't talking about me. I also spend a fair amount of time reading Black writers (and queer writers) and continuing to listen and learn from them because I know that I have blind spots and have not walked in their shoes. I don't need Black people to thank me for doing this. I don't need them to affirm that I'm not like the "bad" white people who cause so much harm because it's fucking not about me!! Racial injustice goes on unabated whether or not I'm a "good" person. If I don't speak up, if I don't keep learning what Black people would like me to do to support them, and if I don’t keep doing things that challenge racism, and encourage others to do the same, I'm colluding with an unequal society - and I don't want to do that.
Society is less about individuals and more about prevailing and often quite entrenched and systemic dynamics. More than likely, you have inadvertently participated in some of those along the way, because it's hard not to - they are so much a part of our culture - just as I have surely inadvertently committed microaggressions or been insensitive at times to Black people. I don't want to do that. I try hard not to ever do that, and because I'm steeped in a culture where that is still a HUGE problem, as a white person, I undoubtedly have. Taking responsibility for that doesn't make me a monster. In fact, just the opposite.
So, if you've never called some guy a pussy or told him he throws like a girl; if you've never bonded with other men over objectifying or denigrating women; if you've never thought or expressed that a rape victim was probably lying or never rated women's bodies; if you've never pressured a woman into doing something sexual she didn't want to do, and never just sat quietly by while other men did that - then you're in good shape. If you have participated in any of those things or sat quietly by while other men did them, then there's room to improve.
