Also, Joe Duncan, there’s this — the relationship escalator. We haven’t really talked about that in particular and how it’s a monogamy/societal construct that isn’t necessary in polyamorous relationships.
“It means that every relationship is just a try-out for a long-term commitment, and if that doesn’t pan out, you’ve got to go find somebody else, rather than enjoy what you have for the time that you have it.”
Relationship Escalator. The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.
Continuing up the escalator, you’ll find couples merging their lives, cohabitating, integrating finances, perhaps purchasing a home. Sometime during this stage, engagement usually comes into play.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the Relationship Escalator, but believing that it’s the one true way to do things does a disservice to the people for whom it isn’t ideal. This is the only relationship model that has been largely socialized into us, so when people find that they don’t want it, or can’t succeed at it, they often feel that something is wrong with them.
Stepping outside the box of “successful relationships” that our culture ingrains in us from birth is far from easy. Even people who know that they don’t want to ride the traditional escalator sometimes find themselves wanting to escalate. We are conditioned to see traditional milestones as markers of whether a relationship is successful or not, so it can be hard to leave them behind.
