But domination culture is a central aspect of masculine gender norms, that's the problem. Sure, most men are a cog, but they are also willing participants in bonding via denigrating and sexualizing women, acting entitled to women's time, attention, and bodies, considering themselves superior to women, and turning a blind eye to harm. Yes, that's how they've been taught to be and act, but again, just because you grew up with racist parents doesn't give you a free pass to not do better.
I can't even count how many stories I've heard and read of women being bullied, or sexualized, or preyed on by a man and other guys just standing there and doing absolutely nothing. Didn't say, "Not cool, man" or ask her if she needs help, or film the interaction or anything at all. You don't have to fight the guy to stand up and make a difference.
Men acting on mainstream masculine norms of aggression, competitiveness, "stoicism" - meaning artificial suppression of any hard emotion but anger, dominance, and control of women are not just cogs who also get harmed by this system and those norms. They are taking an active role in upholding a culture that harms and marginalizes women.
“Boys brutalized and victimized by patriarchy more often than not become patriarchal, embodying the abusive patriarchal masculinity that they once clearly recognized as evil. Few men brutally abused as boys in the name of patriarchal maleness courageously resist the brainwashing and remain true to themselves. Most males conform to patriarchy in one way or another.”
— The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks
Sure, women bear some responsibility for this culture as well, but if (until quite recently) you're not considered a full citizen, have curtailed rights, are dependent on men for income as well as place in society, it's a lot harder to have a meaningful resistance and so some choose proximity to security and power instead.
Men being resistant to hearing how they enable rapists IS the problem because not grappling with that is the central element of how rape culture continues. You are not only an individual, you are also a participant in a society, the norms of which for men drive violence, sexual predation, bullying, racism, homophobia, etc., etc. There are no "bad apples" and pretending that's the issue is what allows it to go unchecked.
85% of girls start getting sexually harassed in childhood - same as when it first started happening to me 45 years ago. The reason that hasn't improved has nothing to do with the Elon Musks of the world. It has to do with men perpetuating the worst aspects of masculine culture which also include aspects of domination culture.
This is not who men are as human beings, but it absolutely is who men are trained to be in this society at this period of time. Them refusing to acknowledge that because they are so overly identified with patriarchy for their sense of self impedes progress.
We know how patriarchy started. It's not a mystery.
In contrast with the peoples of Old Europe as well as those of Mesopotamia, who worshipped a life-giving goddess that brought abundance, law, art, and beauty both the Kurgans and the ancient Hebrews worshipped a god of war and mountains, one who had no balancing female consort like that of the goddess. These invaders glorified in the death and destruction that they brought in the name of their god (Jehovah or Yahweh for the Hebrews), and in the case of the Kurgans, they actually paid devotion to their swords.
The one thing they all had in common was a dominator model of social organization: a social system in which male dominance, male violence, and a generally hierarchic and authoritarian social structure was the norm. Another commonality was that, in contrast to the societies that laid the foundations for Western civilization, the way they characteristically acquired material wealth was not by developing technologies of production, but through ever more effective technologies of destruction.
~Eisler, Riane. The Chalice and the Blade (p. 86). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
