Female oppression is universal, because it's still systemic, just like racial oppression is. It's very likely that every single woman you know has experienced some form of sexual violence as well as other types of marginalization and inequality. Some people experience less oppression, but just like racial oppression, it is highly unlikely that there is anyone who hasn't been touched by it to some degree - even if they are rich or famous or whatever.
People are a part of their society as well as being individuals. Only about 2% of thought is conscious according to cognitive scientists. That means all the rest that drives us is stereotypes, cultural norms and mores, gender indoctrination, media, and childhood programming, etc. Most of what constitutes any sort of inequality is unconscious bias and systemic elements -some is overt and conscious but mostly it's this. As a member of this culture, you participate in that and are partially responsible for that, whether or not you intend to or even realize that you are hurting someone else or not.
And as already noted - even if you aren't hurting anyone intentionally, you turning a blind eye to the damaging aspects of the culture of masculinity is upholding it by your inaction. It's just as bad. You are either a part of the solution or you are a part of the problem.
I'm 59 years old and have been active in women's rights for decades. I'm going to venture that I know and have talked to way, way, way more women than you have about this topic. Women who care about equality overwhelming are highly aware of the things that men face. Although as I've already said, women do uphold this social system too and there are ones out there who are somewhat clueless, but women also have neither the institutional power that men do nor frontline access to the current norms of masculinity. This social system is bad for everybody - but you guys need to lead the charge in changing it in part because you do best understand the aspects of it that hurt men.
I'm not trying to turn this into a competition in the slightest and I entirely agree that men need to be allowed to be full human beings. My "man up" remark was satirical. If men are so worried about being tough and in control and defending that, why don't they use it to face the societal issues that they contribute to? That was my point.
What I see all too much of is men asking for sympathy, even for incels who violently hate and dream of killing women, all the while giving almost none to women who are suffer substantially at the hands of men, and who are often lonely as well. The term Intel was coined by a woman. A lot of men view women as "human givers" and not as "human beings." It gets pretty tiresome, to say the least.
I am primarily interested in advocating for a system that works better for us all, where empathy and helping each other out is the norm and not the exception - but until we get more people on board with actually wanting to dismantle the patriarchal dominance hierarchy, we aren't going to make much progress. I do see women sometimes holding men to outdated norms (something I mentioned in the story I linked you about the research on young men and that I've written a stand alone story about) but there are also a lot of men who are deeply attached to those norms as well. They may not like all the responsibilities that come with them, but they sure like the upside. And you can't have it both ways - you don't get to keep all the perks of being a guy in an androcentric culture while at the same time receiving more empathy, etc. for the ways that it's disempowering. It's a two way street.
I won't apologize for saying that wanting to have the upsides of being a man in a culture where that is very definitely an advantage without being willing to do any work to actually have a better system for everyone is weak. It's incredibly weak and it's also entitled. It's perpetuating the entire dominance hierarchy system, where some people count more than others. Nope, had enough of that and as women gain more and more economic independence, fewer of them are standing for it. They are angry, fed up, leaving dating in droves, and that's not going to be fixed by telling them they are out of line for no longer accepting the status quo. Somethings gotta give, and it's not going to be women being nicer about their continued abuse and oppression - even if they realize that men have problems too.
Where is the large and growing internet community for men who want to support each other in being whomever they want to be without someone calling them a pussy or a fag for that? Where is the clamoring for non-violence and non-dominating expressions of masculinity? Where are the men who are holding other men to basic standards of human decency as far as treating women with respect? When Gillette suggested that men do these kinds of things, a lot of men completely lost their shit about it. There are some pockets of men out there actively pursuing equality and nonviolence - and there has been for 50 years, but they have never gained mainstream traction because so many would rather complain about being "feminized" or maintain the right to rate women's bodies for fuckability than do the vulnerable work that it would entail to really seek a more humane system — even if it would benefit them too.
All of this is the fault of the pervasive culture of masculinity/aka patriarchy/aka The Man Box. Pervasive sexual and interpersonal violence at the hands of men is too. If you aren't actively challenging all that you deserve to be treated as if it's your fault, because it is. I've spent time in various environments (like swinger's clubs and nude beaches) where consent is taken seriously, where women are safe and not preyed upon, where pro-social norms are upheld by everyone even if they are wearing not much, or even nothing. Everyday men with alcohol in their systems are still quire capable of treating women respectfully in those environments and keeping them safe because it's the norm of the sub-culture.
If we wanted to do that in the larger culture, we could. We have the society that we tolerate — both around sex and around other aspects. If you aren't an active part of the solution then you are indeed a part of the problem. And a huge part of the solution to men's problems is actively dismantling patriarchy.
