Game doesn't have to mean manipulation.
"Before, when I was attracted to a woman, my warmth would be tainted by the thought, “Please let her be the one who finally sees me as worthy!” Although that’s not as reprehensible as the attitude, “I did something nice for her, now she owes me”, it’s still needy. I can see how that would turn women off. But once I was on the other side of the wall, that neediness was gone, and my warmth was no longer tainted — making it much more powerful."
And as another man said in the comments of Ben’s story: "Yes, men need "game". Game and authenticity are not mutually exclusive. Game need not be manipulative. It can be as simple as knowing how to arouse her interest and see you as a worthy partner. Can you make a connection, as a "good" man, with a woman without "game". Absolutely. However, if she can choose between the good man without game and the good man with game, she almost always is going to select the good man with game.
Too many men think that women should just be able to see how good of a man they are. This is ridiculous. Women are no better at mind-reading than men are."
"You wouldn’t go to a job interview in sweatpants, would you? You’d take a shower and show up for the appointment well-groomed and well-dressed in a way that was appropriate for the position, right? Then you’d do your best to make a good impression and build rapport with the person who was interviewing you. You might even brush up on the skills necessary to do the job because in most cases, there are probably other candidates and it’s a good idea to highlight why you would be the best person for the job.
Dating is no different.
No, it’s not enough to sit around in your sweatpants and assume that other people will see your good qualities. You have to make an effort, and in some cases have to learn new skills or unlearn disempowering dynamics that might be standing in your way. “I’m nice, you should see that and like me” is not going to cut it. What do you have to offer a relationship that would make the other person’s life better or more fun than it already is? That’s what you are competing against even more than other suitors.
It’s a question that applies to anyone and everyone, and I don’t mean it in a transactional sense. In most cases, we’re not talking about more money or more prestige or something else superficial. Some people care about that in a dating partner, but most people are looking for companionship, love, an erotic component, and to be seen and valued for who they really are — and to give that reciprocally to somebody else.”
But, they have to have some way to learn that about you. You have to be able to convey why you're "the best candidate" and to engage a woman in a way that (as I noted before) demonstrates romantic or erotic interest without being crass or creepy — that’s what game means. You told me in the past about feeling like the least worthy man in any room, constantly comparing yourself to every other guy. That’s not being confident.
It's hard to convey this stuff in a dating app, particularly when there are 7-9 men for every woman and they are all getting bombarded with interest, so the easiest way to sort is to go for the most physically attractive photos. Refusing to recognize the reality of this, and then complaining that it's not working well for you is counter-productive. It's like going to McDonald's and then being upset that they don't sell ham sandwiches, because that's what you really wanted to eat and you can’t be bothered to go to a deli because that’s further away and harder to get to.
People have to engage with reality, and then do the things most likely to work for them (like meet more people in vivo and not online). That entails greater vulnerability, but it also entails much greater chance of success.
External validation can obviously help and is not necessarily bad when it's in balance with internal validation, and I'm glad that it's worked out so well for you, but the fact remains, learning how to build and cultivate an internal locus of control regardless of circumstances will always be a much more empowering way to live. Telling yourself disempowering stories such as, “I’m the least impressive man in this room” is shooting yourself in the foot, and it will leak out into your demeanor, turning women off, and becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The fact that you didn't know how to effectively validate yourself from the inside has no bearing on the truism that it absolutely can be done. Not letting your circumstances dictate your inner landscape is a very powerful skill, and just because it is one you haven't learned how to do effectively for whatever reason doesn't mean that it can't be done. I don’t know how to wire and hang a ceiling fan, for example, but lots of other people do know that, and I could learn how if I decided to do that.
And once again, we've gone round and round on this before and I don't anticipate that you will be able to take on what I'm saying, so perhaps it's time to just put this to bed.
