"By way of reference, toxic masculinity doesn’t just mean men doing shitty things that guys in our culture seem to do a lot. It means traditionally masculine traits taken to an unhealthy level where they become problematic. The same goes for women and toxic femininity. The standard is the same, although in general, I think that word has become too diluted from being used so imprecisely for so long that it’s just kind of inflammatory, for discussion purposes, let’s proceed.
Traditional feminine traits include things like being intuitive, generous, nurturing, creative, collaborative, caring, and receptive. Masculine ones are things like logical, confident, assertive, goal-oriented, independent, etc. Maybe it would be easier and less fraught to talk about if we decoupled masculinity and femininity from gender for the purposes of this discussion?
So what does true “toxic femininity” look like? It could be smothering rather than nurturant, co-dependent rather than interrelated, passive-aggressive rather than clear about needs or boundaries. It could also look like being a drama queen. And just like with wounded masculinity (a better term than toxic, I think), wounded femininity comes out of living in a dominance-based social hierarchy, where you are taught to always compare yourself to everyone around you and to evaluate every interaction for whether or not you are the in the one-up or the one-down position. It breeds insecurity, selfishness, and a lack of true connection.
And the reason I think that this distinction and precision of terms matters is that when terms get diluted (as toxic masculinity has) to mean anything that a guy does that is crappy, then it takes away our ability to really hone in on the true issue or what is really going on. Toxic masculinity isn’t about men being inherently bad people (which it might seem like if used too broadly). It’s about a culture that doesn’t value balance and the feminine and that forces men into a box where they aren’t allowed to be full human beings — something that is harmful to them, to women, and to society."
The main thrust of the subsequent research is that traditional masculinity — marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression — is, on the whole, harmful.
