I appreciate that it is sometimes difficult to communicate in writing and have one's actual intention fully realized - particularly with people that one doesn't know all that well.
That being said, I don't understand what the above means. The things that men "do wrong" are quite concrete, clear, and comprehensible and it's only difficult to change them because we have a society that is deeply entrenched in patriarchy and deeply attached to having that continue. In addition, patriarchy breeds insecurity, so everyone (but particularly men) are loathe to do any sort of internal work to assess whether they need to improve in some way, particularly when the suggestion of that is coming from women who A) ought to be showing them unconditional love and acceptance ala an idealized mother and B) are "beneath" them in the hierarchy and ought to know that they don't have standing to criticize.
To all of that I (and a lot of women) say Too fucking bad! I don't care if you have been trained by your social system to be a weak, and petulant bully. You need to fucking stop. Grow up, take responsibility for yourself, and stop working your shit out on other people, particularly women. (You does not mean you personally, but one)
And rather than exhorting women to continue taking their abuse with more grace, which is in itself offensive and unrealistic, I think that you and other men really ought to be digging deep to figure out how to help men change the culture of masculinity so that it is not intrinsically linked with domination and control of women. That is where the work lies. That is the conversation we should be having. Cultures can and do change radically in a short period of time when people get serious about doing that. See South Africa as one example. The problem is, most men don't want to change, don't want to do any work, don't want to have to give up their privilege, etc., but it's not our job to accommodate that, as women. How many more women have to die at the hands of inmate partners? How many young girls have to be sexually harassed starting in childhood? What percentage of women have to be raped before it's finally an unacceptable number that is worth getting off your asses and doing something about?
The real problem is, most men look at all this as a problem that has nothing to do with them because they are not doing those things. That needs to change. You are all responsible for the culture of masculinity (and women are to some extent as well) but you are the ones with the real power to change it. Stop acting like these horrendous things are being perpetrated by monsters or aliens or "bad apples" and start realizing that they are intrinsic to how masculinity is currently constructed. Then take that on, and encourage other men to take that on. Research indicates that often if a man feels uncomfortable with something that is going on or being said, he often doesn't speak up because he thinks he's the only one who feels uncomfortable (when usually that isn't the case). In addition, he is worried about losing credibility as a man - because so much of male bonding takes place via sexualizing and disparaging women. If more men would take those dynamics on, and start to equate supporting true equality as a leadership trait rather than as a potential liability, we might be able to get somewhere.
Stop telling women that they need to be nicer or more accommodating, that change is slow, etc. That is unbelievably offensive and it too is a deflection to keep from doing the work - both the external kind I just mentioned, but also the internal work as well. It's not our job to keep taking this abuse at these levels so that it can be easier for you to grapple with that. I don't really care if it's easy or not - it's got to fucking stop! Man up and make it stop! And until it does, women are going to keep yelling -as well they should. Put your attention where it actually belongs - not on creating more compliant "nicer" victims of oppression but in stopping the system of oppression itself. No social transformation has ever taken place because it was asked for nicely. As MLK quite clearly delineated, equality must be demanded.
I don't know if you read this piece or not, but I did an "edit" of an MLK speech to showcase how what women are demanding is not really unreasonable, not really too angry, not really whatever is being said to deflect from actual change. Here's what it says:
Men, it must frankly be said, are not putting in a similar mass effort to reeducate themselves out of their sexist ignorance. It is an aspect of their sense of superiority that the men of America believe they have so little to learn. The reality of substantial investment to assist women into the twenty-first century, adjusting to female colleagues and bosses and genuine safety and acceptance as equals, is still a nightmare for all too many female Americans… These are the deepest causes for contemporary abrasions between the sexes. Loose and easy language about equality, resonant resolutions about equality fall pleasantly on the ear, but for women there is a credibility gap they cannot overlook. She remembers that with each modest advance the male population promptly raises the argument that women have come far enough. Each step forward accents an ever-present tendency to backlash.
Edit: To paraphrase Dr. King once more, “Why is equality so assiduously avoided? Why does male America delude itself, and how does it rationalize the evil it retains?
