I appreciate what you are saying but also have mixed feelings about it. We were pretty happily married for 20 years and not doing that kind of stuff, but then after an adventurous period together, decided to open up our relationship. It took some time to transition to a new way of thinking since polyamory is an entirely different relationships style in more ways than just the number of people you are intimate with, but we've never been happier.
A large part of that happiness comes not just from having intimate connections of various kinds with other people, but from having complete and total honesty about everything, includig our desire for that. We had to get really transparent with each other in a whole new way, even though we'd never been dishonest before - there are some things that monogamously married people just don't talk about, and now we were talking about those things. It brought us even closer together because we have to communicate more clearly and be more vulnerable with each other. There are no inherent rules for these relationships so everything has to talked out and agreed to by all parties. It's more work than monogamy, but we both feel like it's the right fit for us although I get that it wouldn't be for everyone.
So, yeah, if you are doing those types of things kind of on the down low, that's not really being true to the spirit of your agreements with each other. On the other hand, if you are doing it out in the open, honestly, and transparently with your partner's full knowledge and consent, it can actually enhance your relationship with each other and lead to a more equal relationship.
"If you are embracing open marriage maturely and responsibly, there is frequently a new level of freedom and non-co-dependency that arises. I’ve heard more than one such couple say that it not only brings them pleasure but that it actually brings them joy, both as individuals and as a couple. This is about more than just getting sexual variety — it’s about embarking on a lifestyle that tends to be egalitarian and where partners co-create a relationship that works for them both, rather than adhering to rules made by others."
