I can't possibly read everything that you've written, so perhaps there are things that I've missed, but I also have had a pervasive experience from reading your work over time where I feel that you've missed huge segments of nuance, centered yourself and other men in the narrative, and otherwise just completely come off more like an anti-feminist than a feminist. I don't think talking about my experience of that based in very specific and concrete things is demonizing you. I think it's being honest and forthright about what I feel is out of line - in general, as well as as relates to helping gender equality. So sue me, forthright women come off as bitches. Too bad, I'm going to continue to be unflinching and forthright.

Why are you now saying that "most feminists have sympathy for men" and then writing essays that say the exact opposite of that? Again, nothing wrong whatsoever with noting that "the few who do make a great impact" and talking about that but that isn't what you've said. You paint with a huge broad brush that is inflammatory and alienating and then get mad at me and other people (some of them men) for calling you out on that. I've never once said that all women or all feminists are saints. That’s you and YOUR black-and-white thinking. In fact, I often speak to how women uphold patriarchy too, but when you say things like "women have privilege" when they actually don't have any structural or institutional advantages (what privilege means) then you come across as a petulant, misinformed guy who is actually making things worse for EVERYBODY including men by waving inflammatory flags so that you seem sympathetic to men. Can't you do that without throwing women under the bus?

You've thanked me for helping you to realize that MLK did not soft-pedal his message, but at the same time, you keep reacting negatively to me and others who are doing essentially the same thing. That's not fair and it's not reasonable. You can say that you prefer a gentler approach for yourself, but don't tell someone who was first sexually assaulted as a child and who has been on the often traumatic receiving end of patriarchy her entire life over nearly 6 decades that I have to think more about how it feels to men than it feels to me to talk about what needs to change because that is, first of all, adding insult to injury and second of all, not going to happen. This is not an intellectual exercise; it's my real everyday life and that of every woman I know.

I hope that one of the books you bought was Jackson Katz's The Macho Paradox because he talks about the need to hold men accountable and also still reach them - and has been doing that kind of work since the 70s. And research indicates that men can hear those messages more easily from other men without becoming defensive, which is why it's imperative that men who want to make an impact start focusing on other men, and not about how a multi-faceted social justice movement made up of millions of angry and traumatized women isn't perfect all the time.

I don't think our base of understanding or of perspective is remotely close enough to collaborate at this point. And, although I will continue to strive to give you space to do your thing, if I see (or hear about) stuff you've written that I have a problem with, I'm going to continue to let you know. You are welcome to do the same, but I work very hard to talk in sociological dynamics, to always say "some men" and to be sympathetic and encouraging of guys who are really trying to find their way and leave the Man Box behind. I don't ever demonize anyone or say things that aren't quite true just because it would feel good to vent my frustrations in that way. You are correct that I'm a bit more jaded than bell hooks, although I agree with most of what she has to say. But if you are familiar with her work and respect it, why are you taking issue with my quotes from her about what makes for a Good Man? It's these sorts of inconsistencies that seem to come directly out of your subconscious wound-based reflexes that continue to concern me.

From my perspective, the most important thing for a leader of any sort to do is to continue to do their own work, to keep examining their speech and their actions and noting where they are maybe lashing out rather than speaking hard truths. I have 20 years of training and experience in doing just that, and I talk to someone regularly who helps to keep me on track, so although I'm not perfect (because nobody is) I am quite comfortable with my ability to continually self-reflect and be intentional about what I put out into the world. If I make a mistake, I own it and seek to correct and/or redress it right away. There are numerous instances over my past 5 years on Medium where someone has pointed out a blind spot or an error in facts, and I've changed my story and my perspective to reflect that. I have a lot of respect for others who have the maturity and the courage to do the same. I want people in my circle who are continuously learning, growing, reshaping their thinking, amending their beliefs as they interface with different perspectives, and at the same time honing their integrity and their core truths. If you see me as inflexible it's because you've run up against places where those beliefs are already honed - often over several decades. It's unlikely you are going to shift my thinking unless you come up with something truly new and revolutionary that I haven't encountered before. Of course, I'm going to offer my personal interpretation of what I've learned - that's what humans do - but I am also open to hearing and even integrating your personal interpretation if it makes sense, if it has substance, if it isn't just you venting your spleen. That's what it means to be a lifelong learner, and there may be many other things you can say about me, but that is something that I definitively am.

Men who are so deep in their wounds, in their misogyny, in their deep and pathological love of patriarchy are not potential allies. I will never reach them, no matter how "nice" I am to them. I am not going to turn myself inside out to pander to them in the hopes that if I beg for my humanity in a sufficiently non-threatening way, they will actually care. They won't, and I'm done begging! You and men like you need to be trying to reach them and steering them toward a different type of society. Imperfect feminists are not the main hindrance - the ways that patriarchy stunts and drugs men is.

I emphasized that patriarchal ideology brainwashes men to believe that their domination of women is beneficial when it is not: Often feminist activists affirm this logic when we should be constantly naming these acts as expressions of perverted power relations, general lack of control of one’s actions, emotional powerlessness, extreme irrationality, and in many cases, outright insanity. Passive male absorption of sexist ideology enables men to falsely interpret this disturbed behavior positively.

As long as men are brainwashed to equate violent domination and abuse of women with privilege, they will have no understanding of the damage done to themselves or to others, and no motivation to change. Patriarchy demands of men that they become and remain emotional cripples. Since it is a system that denies men full access to their freedom of will, it is difficult for any man of any class to rebel against patriarchy, to be disloyal to the patriarchal parent, be that parent female or male.

Hooks, Bell. The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love (p. 27). Atria Books. Kindle Edition.

We need you and men like you to help men rebel against patriarchy - for all the ways that it harms them, as well as everyone else. Focusing on what women are doing is a distraction that keeps you and other men from taking on that vital work. Stop requiring the slave class to be better people than the masters. Go clean up your own house. The fate of Western civilization depends on it - literally.