I don't know how to say this delicately, so I'm just going to say it bluntly. The narrative that women really do want to pick the shitty guys, even though they say that's not who they want is a not only patently false, it's quite misogynistic. It's a story that men perpetuate to punish women for not picking them. First off, you don't know who most women are picking if they don't pick you. You also don't know what the real reason was for them not going for you. It could have totally been a simple lack of chemistry. A lot of women aren't picking anyone anymore because they can't find anyone worth picking. A lot of guys act great at first, and then once you get emotionally attached, the veneer goes away. Only very superficial or emotionally immature women are attracted to the rich, handsome assholes - and those aren't the kinds of women you would want anyhow.
I was thinking some more while I was walking my dogs about why self-possessed confidence is such a key trait in attraction for women. It's because nature has designed it so that normal healthy women are not sexually attracted to children. If someone doesn't come across as a full and complete adult, who knows and likes himself, and who can manage his life, that reads energetically like a child - and healthy women are not sexually attracted to children.
I think your primary issue is confidence and that you do actually have the other "soft skills" but most men don't. They think they're just good, honest, guys so it must be this other BS that's being circulated around, but too many men have never learned emotional intelligence, and too many men subconsciously look at women not as people but as a trophy of sorts. They believe that women are on earth for their pleasure and enjoyment because that's the narrative that is still subtly pushed today. Even in hook-up culture, boys and men expect to at least get a blowjob out of it. For girls and women, oral sex is for relationships and they are supposed to just be satisfied with getting the guy off. I don't know why more young women don't challenge this, but it is the one area where younger women are not that empowered.
One of the recent comments I read in talking about all of this was from a woman who said her kind of nerdy guy friend who hadn't had a lot of dates actually voiced out loud the question "When am I going to get my piece of the pie?" Not, when will I meet a human being who really wants to build a life with me, but when do I get the goods that are owed to me as a man? That's fucked up - and it's a common undercurrent even today because only a few decades ago that was something that was expected and talked about openly.
Continuing to insist that women are lying about what they actually want is condescending and misogynistic. Please stop saying that, because it's not cool and it's not what is taking place.
Edit: “Do women only date assholes, or do women just get sucked into abuse cycles more often than men due to a whole history of gender oppression? I think many men take the easy way out on this one, but it’s time to look at things from a different, more wide-angle perspective.”
“I can tell you right now, this collective female experience is not because women are attracted to abusers — it’s because abusers are predators, and there are a lot of them out there hunting. Any woman who socializes with men is likely to encounter an abusive one at some point.”
