I learned a few years ago that cognitive scientists believe only about 2% of what we consider to be thought is conscious. The rest is coming out of childhood programming, cultural narratives, religion, stereotypes, media, etc. I can absolutely see how one could have little conscious idea of how their beliefs were problematic, particularly if they bring inclusion and affirmation in some sectors.

The Jordan Peterson's of the world are filling a need as you've said. But you're also right, he doesn't steer them towards vital inner work (as you'd expect a physchologist to do) and instead gives them a series of scapegoats to blame. It's hard to compete with that. One is easy and feels relatively good - Peterson has given them a dragon to slay, which makes their insecurities feel like a noble crusade to embark upon, whereas feminists (and others) would like them to do something that is hard, that is vulnerable, that is scary, and that doesn't immediately give one the feeling of nobility (although I think it eventually does, from your account of it). For me, the question, is how can we compete with that? And that's where I think men leading the way comes in.

It would be helpful indeed, if more women recognized that men aren't the problem, the culture is the problem. But, what they see, and what their pervasive experience mostly is is that men are indeed the problem. It's kind of a hard sell when most women have been sexually harassed since they were 11 or 12 years old (but nobody really cares that much about that), when they've been persistently told "boys will be boys" when they do things that hurt them, when a lot of men still don't do their fair share of housework or childcare and walk around with a huge sense of entitlement to women's bodies and women's care. In the face of that, it's easier and feels better to just demonize men than to have compassion for the ways they are also constrained and harmed by this system - in part because women are still being actively harmed by an androcentric culture on a pretty much daily basis.

This is why men need to lead the way for other men in changing this culture. Asking people who are still actively being oppressed to have openly have compassion for the oppressor class is a lot to ask - even though individual men are also suffering too. I do think that men can offer the mix of empathy and guidance that is necessary to shift the culture, but that trying to get that from most women is going to be a hard sell. As I understand it, a huge aspect of the creative non-violence dynamic is for the "wrongdoer" to take responsibility for what they've done, and that's when the healing and reconciliation can begin. Asking most women to try to be empathetic and in a reconciliation mood when there is almost no acknowledgement that they are still being actively harmed isn't going to fly, I don't think.

I know that despite my stance on patriarchy as the problem, and the ways that men are also harmed by this social system, I spend a disturbing amount of time reminding various men about the statistics around harassment, around rape, around being marginalized and discounted in the workplace, etc. One guy told me the other day that we were actually now living in a matriarchy because you know, Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi have important positions. I had to point out to him that the US Congress is still only about 27% female, and that the US is 61st as far as female representation in government - and also that there has never been a matriarchy in the history of the world. It's like they don't want to know, perhaps because then they might feel bad enough to actually do something, and maybe they aren't sure what they should do, other than apologize and feel bad.

My question for you is, how do we get men to break through THAT. How do we give them a blueprint of a more constructive and collaborative culture? How did you eventually break through it? I don't want men to feel bad or to be shamed, but I do want them to wake up and take responsibility for the ways that they uphold this culture as it is - either actively or by their inactions and their silence. I've been trying to talk about that part more recently - about how we all have a responsibility to co-create a new culture and how "I didn't do anything" is actually a huge part of the problem because it allows the status quo to go on unchecked. I haven't encountered many guys who want to hear that though.

I believe that one of the worst, most harmful aspects of patriarchy for men is the way that it instills insecurity and shame for "not measuring up." But, in my experience, people who are overcome by shame tend to avoid and evade rather than to stand up and admit they did something that hurt someone else. How do we get past that in order for progress to take place?

I read Jackson Katz's book The Macho Paradox recently, and I think he's got some good ideas about trying to reach high visibility men (such as athletes, and other guys that men tend to look up to) and enlisting them in this work as a function of leadership. For me, that's the direction that we need to concentrate on. Studies done by Cambridge University show that when equality is discussed and presented by men like these, it is more likely to be accepted by other men, with almost no backlash. When women present the same things, backlash is almost a given.