I think it comes from pervasive messaging that men are "better" than women and entitled to their attention, and the disconnect that comes when the world doesn't always serve that up in the way you've been messaged it should. Most incels don't actually want a partner, they want women as trophies to indicate they've succeeded in male hierarchies - as a kind of status symbol. When women resist that and want to be considered fellow human beings, it can be disruptive. Plus, patriarchy breeds insecurity. Hoping to write something soon about how men need to stop demanding that women validate them, and then being irate when they won't. It's dehumanizing to women but it's also super disempowering to men. Validate yourself. Learn your worth - not in relation to other people, but intrinsically as a human being. (You in this context, obviously not meaning you John — but one)

Also, we massively need to reinvent what it means to be "a real man" beginning with no longer using that phrase. I love to ask people who insist that there's some inherent maleness how that applies to Ru Paul, Pee Wee Herman, Donald Trump and Mikhail Baryshnikov. If you remotely think they are all kind of mostly the same because they're men, you aren't paying attention.

I think I would have liked your mother. All major religions classify women as less than, and it's definitely a huge part of the problem.

NP on the long response. I appreciate the chance to have a conversation about it.