I want to feel deeply connected to my husband and that we have something special that I don't have with anyone else, but I really, really don't want to belong to him or be owned by him. One of the most important things I gained from opening up to polyamory was realizing that I am more than one half of a couple. I am an independent, autonomous individual who has intimate connections of various types with more than one person. For me, that feels way better than the cultural programming that "two shall become one." My relationship with my husband is the most important one I have, but I do really feel that insecurity is at the root of this deep cultural belief that we should sort of own our mates. For one thing, it implies control, rather than partnership.

My advice would be to not open up until you are confident in the understanding that she will not forget all about you if she meets or spends time with someone else. Until you get to the point where you are opening up to add something to your existing strong relationship and not only trying to "fix" an issue, it's a dicey proposition. The way things turned out for Tris doesn't always happen that way because they were pretty much only trying to fix a problem and not to enhance their relationship. I think there can be elements of both, but opening up always goes better and has less of these insecurity issues when you are also cultivating and nourishing your existing relationship as well.