It's funny, how time allows for the truth to come to the surface. It's all clear to me now. You're not so much trying to justify JH, as you are trying to justify to yourself your own controlling relationship and pretend that that's normal so that you won't feel so bad about allowing somebody to treat you that way. Get some relationship counseling and work on your insecurities individually and collectively, because what you've got going on is not healthy and not normal.

I've been married for over 30 years. I was trying to think if we'd ever had any rules for each other and the answer is nope, zero. We love and respect each other and go about the relationship through that lens. Anything else is just fucking toxic and dysfunctional and the fact that that seems "normal" and "reasonable" to you is a huge red flag.