I've come to the conclusion that the only way through this to a better culture is for men to do this work together - to shift these mainstream masculine norms and make it "cool" to be whole human beings and not the truncated, domineering Man Box version of masculinity because women talking about it hasn't moved the needle all that much. We're still going to keep naming what's wrong - in part because that is healing for us - to share our experiences, to give up "being nice" for other people's comfort even when it causes us pain because that's what we've been taught that "nice girls" do, and because concerted effort does have some impact (as we recently saw with the Spanish coach who kissed the player). But ultimately, it's going to take men working together to truly make substantial changes.
Men care what other men think much more than they care about what women think, and there's also research to indicate that "dominant" men can substantially challenge sexism (and racism) without blowback in a way that women and other marginalized groups cannot.
Mainstream masculine norms around domination and control are at the root of so many of our social ills - particularly those that women face, but also other groups as well. I honestly don't know how we can impact that for the better without naming the actual problem - which is very demonstrably some of the core masculine norms.
Men’s violence against women is a pervasive social phenomenon with deep roots in existing personal, social, and institutional arrangements. In order for people to understand and ultimately work together to prevent it, it is first necessary for them to engage in a great deal of personal and collective introspection. This introspection can be especially threatening to men, because as perpetrators and bystanders, they are responsible for the bulk of the problem.
Katz, Jackson. The Macho Paradox (p. 24). Sourcebooks. Kindle Edition.
And because it's threatening, even when we ask in a nice way, even when we point out that it's socialization and not usually personal assholery, there's a lot of victim blaming, a lot of backlash for daring to bring up that we are suffering. Expecting people who have been traumatized and marginalized and abused on a systemic and individual level every day of their lives since young childhood to not be angry and fed up about that is not realistic.
Look at the backlash and hatefulness to the #MeToo movement; look at the victim blaming and hatred directed at the woman who was hit in the face with a brick for not giving a man her phone number. Sure, not every guy does that or thinks it OK, but unless they are actively challenging that shit, that’s the world that we women have to live in.
If I weren't well educated on the nuances and the sociology of it all, I would view the world through the lens of men as trash too - because with very few minor exceptions every bad thing that has ever happened to me in my life has been caused by the selfishness and abusiveness of men - and every single women I know has had multiple similar experiences. And for the most part, men have done nothing whatsoever to improve that situation for women. Sexual harassment of girls beginning in childhood is just as bad as it was when I was a child, 40 years ago. Rape numbers aren't any better than when I was a child. For the most part, men aren't doing anything about that, and don't really even care about that. It's just the way things are... and after all, if they aren't the ones doing it, it's not their fault (or so they think). But that is exactly the bystander approach that allows that sort of toxic situation to continue unabated.
If men don't want to be vilified then they need to be actively changing the culture. And I do recognize that you are doing a lot in that vein, but until more men join you and that reaches critical mass, it doesn't impact most women's trauma or pervasive negative life experiences at the hands of mainstream masculinity and quite naturally, that is what they care about the most, as well they should.
If men aren't speaking up, challenging misogyny and the normalization of violence against women and other harmful aspect of mainstream masculine culture they are in fact supporting it and propping it up with their silence. You're either a part of the solution or you are in fact a big part of the problem (not you personally, but one). Men need to understand that. It doesn't matter what you do are don't do directly as long as you are allowing this toxic and harmful culture to be inflicted upon women (and others) - particularly since men benefit in many ways from that even if they do not want to.
