James and I had a pretty egalitarian and happy monogamous marriage but when we opened it up to include other lovers and other loves, we had to deal with all kinds of subconscious stuff about what marriage is, gender roles, and other things that we’d unconsciously bought into that we then had to deconstruct. It was tough going for a while, but ultimately it was so good for us both.
When we began to interact with each other more as individuals who were choosing each other rather than husband and wife and all the baggage that goes along with those terms, our good lives got even better. This doesn’t mean that everyone should become polyamorous, but I do believe that everyone should take an intentional look at themselves and their relationships and see where they are buying into identities and roles that they did not create for themselves. In co-creating our marriage into one that works for us, we simultaneously discovered all kinds of gender rules and roles that we didn’t realize we were adhering to that we no longer wanted. It’s been transformative!
“In order to create more egalitarian, cooperative, relationships of any kind our society needs to take a page from the polyamory playbook and prioritize integrity, communication and self-responsibility. Partners need to actively create a relationship that works for them both and not just fall into old structures that may or may not serve them. This takes intention, vulnerability, and a whole lot of on-going communication, but it also leads to deeper connection and love.”
