My evidence is years of walking around in public places and taking note of couples that I see - looking specifically at this dynamic. Yes, in general, people get together with others of similar social "value" for lack of a better term, but for men, that's not primarily about looks the way it is for women. As already noted - and supported with multiple studies - how attractive a man is to a woman isn't only based on his physical appearance. The most important thing is how he makes her feel - and what that means may vary from woman to woman, but that right there is the single most important thing. It's the secret sauce.
Everyone who knows the first thing about women knows this. The fact that you don't, well . . .
As a woman, I’m not surprised that other women also value kindness highly. Even though I’ve dated guys who were good-looking, I didn’t date them for their looks — I dated them for what I saw on the inside: kindness, generosity, empathy, etc.
Now, their looks were a nice addition, don’t get me wrong. But when life gets tough, the way someone looks on the outside becomes completely insignificant compared to the type of person they are on the inside.
Now don’t get me wrong, we care about how guys look, too. Basic hygiene especially. Like, comb your hair. Wash your hands. Wear deodorant. You know, the usual stuff.
But, the way a guy looks actually isn’t as important as one key thing.
How he makes you feel.
In the course of her research, Quoirin was struck by how ordinary — even physically unattractive — some of the Stasi romeos were. “The women definitely weren’t going for good looks. It was the old-fashioned manners … flowers, wining and dining, and, most importantly, these men listened to women. Men often don’t, so that was very attractive. Sex didn’t play a major role. It was important for Gabriele and a couple of the other women, but actually, it mattered rarely.”
Yet, surprisingly, men who aren’t pretty-boy frontmen or Abercrombie and Fitch models continue to get laid and get married on a daily basis – even by women who would presumably be “out of their league”. To choose a famous example, take Adam Duritz, the lead singer of Counting Crows. He’s a man that Jezebel describes as “a haunted chia pet”, yet has dated an impressive number of women, including Mary Louise Parker, Gwen Stefani, Emmy Rossum, Lara Flynn Boyle, Courtney Cox, Jennifer Anniston and Samantha Mathis. (none of those women dated him for his money — they all have their own)
Just like men may drool over Kat Dennings and yet still fall in love with women who are not Kat Dennings, women are capable of eye-fucking the hell out of Ryan Gosling or Idris Elba and still desire normal, non-celebrity men. Men and women are equally capable of lusting after extremely attractive people and still lust after people who aren’t featured on movie posters. The difference is that men are told over and over again that a certain type of woman is desirable… and tend to assume that women feel the same way, despite all evidence to the contrary. Yes, good looks certainly help… but it’s not the only factor in attraction and what women define as “good looks” can vary widely.
