My husband is definitely my ride or die for a reason. As you said about your wife, "we are very in love, thick as thieves, and have seen a whole lot of shit together."

I thought for years that I could slowly grow Nat toward meeting expectations at least a little bit better, and I thought that I had, by being patient and kind and still holding boundaries - until everything blew wide open because it really wasn't the case. Maybe I thought he'd come further than he had, but for someone who is not just socialized as a man in this culture but also a fearful avoidant, everything feeling like it was finally coming together into a really strong and beautiful full-fledged relationship just freaked him out and he said and did things that were kind of nonsensical (if you're not freaked out by intimacy). He was "madder at you than I've ever been at anyone in my life" because I expressed disappointment that he hadn't told me his wife was going away for several days. They had kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship and he and I had been talking about getting together the next chance we had. I'd told him I could fly out on very short notice. My expectation was that he would let me know if an opportunity arose and if it wasn't otherwise good for him, just tell me so. His expectation was that I had no input into the situation because I "should trust him" - which felt to me like not being treated as a partner, but as a doll to play with when he decided it was good. Why is it the most maddening ever that I expected to be included in that decision? Because a fearful avoidant doesn't want the intimacy of being that deeply involved with someone else.

Heaven knows what his wife's attachment style was. Their lives seemed to primarily revolve around their kids and their kid's activities. I just hope his new girlfriend is able to handle all that or that he's grown and healed some in therapy.