Noting that perception feels like reality is a good distinction. You are coming primarily from your own personal experiences. As a social scientist and and a long-time advocate for women (I'm 58 -so a bit older than you, I'd say) who has kept up with the research over several decades, I'm coming not only from my own experiences, but an understanding of cultural and social dynamics that transcend what I've seen or experienced personally.
A while back I read a fascinating book written by a cognitive linguist - a scientist who studies how language functions in the brain and helps to create meaning in our world. It was called Moral Politics (by George Laykoff) and in it he dissects how core conservatives and core liberals view the world through very different moral lenses.
In the Strict Father model (the one more conservatives adhere to) hierarchy and obeying legitimate authority are seen as fundamental aspects of proper behavior and requiring that of those in your charge is a way to demonstrate caring and love for them. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is a common belief.
"On a societal scale, this translates to a belief in the rightness of a dominance-based hierarchy, law and order, self-sufficiency, and respect for authority. “Rewards and punishments are moral acts; giving someone an appropriate reward or punishment balances the moral books. The obligation to obey is a metaphorical debt. You owe obedience to someone who has authority over you. If you obey, you are paying the debt; if you don’t obey, you are refusing to pay the debt — an immoral act, equivalent by moral arithmetic to stealing, a crime.”
So, one possible explanation for what you have witnessed with women being abusive to children is that as mothers, it is primarily their job to care for and instruct their children. If they are from a more conservative and/or religious subgroup, it may seem to them like they are only doing their job to punish their children for not obeying a legitimate authority. Fathers may be more relaxed, because they don't see themselves as "front line" parents - that's mostly mom's job. They are the family CEO and the big boss doesn't do most of the day to day management, he oversees the larger picture.
Or, another explanation is that women are more stressed from having a lot of responsibility for children without a lot of support. Mothering in America today is incredibly isolating as well as demanding. Fifty years ago people had a lot more social supports, such as close relationships with their neighbors, extended family nearby, etc. And even in ostensibly egalitarian families, women generally do much more child and home care than men do.
And maybe some of those women do have anger management issues or other personal problems that are causing anti-social behavior. Or it may be some combination of all three (or something else). But over all, despite the fact that sometimes women are abusive - to children, or to partners - violence in this country is overwhelmingly a male issue. And the only way that is ever going to change is if men stop deflecting, stop acting like this stuff is done by a few "bad apples" or aliens from another planet, and stop supporting a culture of masculinity where this is a core element.
We need men like you who do actually care about having a better society to support that and contribute to that shift.
