Of course there's a distinction and I have no problem at all with a difference of opinion that is supported by something other than some guy’s feelings. Nearly always what I get, and what other women I read get is bad faith attacks from immature men who want to blame all their problems on women and feminism. I have no problem at all with those who disagree and can support why, but that almost never happens. Nearly universally what I (and most other women) get is a version of "my feelings about what I just know to be true trump your research, data, science, and personal experiences." It's fucking maddening - particularly when it comes from men who think they are the logical ones. 🙄 This is something I've heard tons of other women complain about. It’s rampant!
Being reflexively defensive because they assume patriarchy means men, that the fact all women have experienced violence is an assertion that all men are bad, and other sorts of deflections to keep from having to actually grapple with the way this culture harms us all is frustrating in the extreme. Most men I have come across have absolutely zero interest in understanding why the social system of patriarchy is bad for everyone , including men. They just want their privileges back, for women to be "nice" and essentially like an indulgent mother (who also wants to sleep with them) rather than taking on any understanding of the social dynamics that are creating violence, predation, and dysfunction.
I'm not saying there isn't any combative feminist writing on Medium and elsewhere but it's due to struggling for 50+ years (hundreds of years, really) for basic humanity, safety, and some form of real equality and being told that YOU are the problem for wanting or expecting that. The overwhelming response to the #MeToo movement from most men wasn't, "Oh my god, I had no idea things were so bad! How can we work together to improve the culture?" It was "STFU bitch and stop making men look bad!" After a while, it gets hard to be civil in the face of that - particularly when it's so pervasive and when "good men" often don't speak up or support us.
Masculine culture in America IS the problem. Pretending it's not is delusional. Not all men adhere to that to the same degree, but it is widely agreed, not just by feminists, but by groups like the UN, the American Psychology Association, and pretty much all mainstream studies of gender and violence - messaging guys that they need to be aggressive, dominant and to control women drives the bulk of the violence - against women but also against other men. And, the guys who aren't perpetrating overtly are overwhelmingly still upholding the problematic culture by turning a blind eye to issues and pretending this stuff comes from "bad apples" and not mainstream masculine norms. Men as individuals aren't necessarily problematic - but gender indoctrination begins at birth and is deeply in most men's subconscious minds. For sure, men as a demographic are an issue in this culture due to the way that they have been messaged to think and act. It's time for more men to accept that and stop being so fucking defensive. We can't turn the tide without your help.
I believe that men who are silent in the face of other men’s violence—whether the silence is intentional or not—are complicit in the perpetration of that violence. We’re not guilty because we’re men. We’re responsible—because we’re men—either for speaking out or for not speaking out about other men’s violence. This is hardly a new concept. Some of the proudest moments in the history of this country are grounded in the principle that members of dominant groups have a critical role to play in the struggle for equality.
Katz, Jackson. The Macho Paradox (p. 30). Sourcebooks. Kindle Edition.
Paul Kivel conceptualized the “Act Like a Man Box” in the early 1980’s, by asking high school boys what the rules were for being a man. It turned out the rules were pretty straightforward. They included:
• Hide all emotions
• Treat women as less, have control over women
• Be tough, never admit self doubt, fear
• Police and bully other boys who don’t conform.
More recently, when researchers asked a socially and ethnically diverse range of men ages 18–30 in the US, the UK, and Mexico what it takes to be a “real man” the responses were very similar. Here are the 7 main pillars:
- Be self-sufficient — Real men should be self-reliant, particularly with regard to their physical and emotional health.
- Act tough — Real men should be willing to defend their reputation, by violence if necessary. They also should remain stoic when dealing with vulnerable emotions.
- Physical attractiveness — Real men should dress well and look good, but without appearing that they are trying too hard to do so.
- Rigid gender roles — Real men expect to be financial providers but not to do much in the way of child or home care.
- Heterosexuality and homophobia — Real men should be both heterosexual and derogatory of homosexuality, even if they have gay friends that they accept.
- Hypersexuality — Real men are interested in and ready for sex anytime and anywhere. They should always be on the prowl for their next “sexual conquest.”
- Aggression and control — Real men use physical violence when necessary, and hold control over household decisions and women’s movements.
https://trainingcentre.unwomen.org/RESOURCES_LIBRARY/Resources_Centre/masculinities%20booklet%20.pdf
Understanding Masculinities and Violence Against Women and Girls
