Patriarchy is a dominance based hierarchy. Other types of hierarchies exist, but patriarchy is one that is completely domination-hierarchy based. Some people refer to it as capitalist, white supremacist, patriarchy.
That being said, there are ranges and levels of domination (or any dynamics) within any social system. Nothing is cookie cutter or applies in exactly the same way to every single person in the society. But it's still a hierarchy (rather than a fully cooperative endeavor - which may still have hierarchy within it but hierarchy of actualization and not domination). It's based in power over rather than power to and power with. There are no statistic around the level of patriarchy or the nuance that exist in each and every domestic partnership in the nation - duh! I realize you are desperate to justify yourself, but don't ask stupid questions.
I feel sorry for you because even though I can't actually know the true ins and outs of your relationship (it may well be quite happy), you feel the need to maintain power and hierarchy over your partner rather than to have a true partnership, and I find that kind of pitiful. But, you don't need my endorsement of your relationship, do you? Or are you going to persist with demanding validation?
And you are the one who keeps wanting to pick and choose a single element from an interconnected phenomenon. This is a huge multi-faceted system that cannot be reduced down to only familial or relationship styles. You did not create your family in a vacuum. You are a part of larger societal dynamic which is built around a dominance-based hierarchy, whether you are conscious of that or not. And that is what I write about.
Cognitive science says that about 2% of thought is conscious and the rest comes from childhood training, societal programming, media exposure, etc. Your family life may well be quite amicable but the fact remains you both have agreed to live in a hierarchy that is not based on merit. And if she were to up and one day decide that she wanted to make all of the decisions you wouldn't be happy about that. This speaks to the coercive element. A woman who is compliant is not an issue. It's only when she begins to resist that misogyny (the policing arm of patriarchy) starts to raise it's head.
"Misogynists may not expect women to be overtly submissive, but it is anticipated that they will be “cool” girlfriends, loving wives, devoted moms, loyal secretaries, and good waitresses, etc. The emotional labor and care-giving that are a part of so many women’s daily experiences, both in the family and in the larger community, is unremarked upon unless a woman is notably resisting these functions. Misogyny is the hostilities that arise in the face of such resistance, which may be intended to punish, dominate, or condemn the women who are perceived as a threat to the status quo."
That's where the coercive element comes in. That's the dominance hierarchy in action in your world no matter how happy and loving your relationship is on the surface. The potential for the tyrannical part lies in waiting if the people around you were to decide to resist these norms. And don't tell me that wouldn't bother you because you've already spent too much time telling me about how much you believe in patriarchy, how hierarchy is necessary, etc.
