Thanks for the compliment and for the challenge. I certainly agree that the mind is complex, ever-changing, and in many ways, largely hidden from our conscious selves. That being said, I’m coming from a sociology background and I see the impact of culture in absolutely everything. Our culture in the US is demonstrably different than that of even other English-speaking countries, much less places like China or Saudi Arabia. To me, it seems madness to pretend that it’s not what drives most people.
Cognitive science agrees with me. Cognitive linguists like George Lakoff have determined that only about 2% of thought is conscious and the rest is in the subconscious, which is made up primarily of previous experiences, but also things like childhood indoctrination, stereotypes, media, and other aspects of culture.
In the instance of monogamy, we all know what that means and what the rules are because there is a culture of monogamy. It is absolutely a learned belief system. That’s why almost no one has real, in-depth discussions with their spouse before they marry about what their expectations are because the culture of monogamy is so ingrained and understood, few people feel the need to expound on it. Acting out of those cultural elements creates a certain way of thinking — a mindset if you will.
Monogamy mindset is that love is meant to be something exclusively between only two people; that romantic relationships trump all other relationships (other than with children) in importance. It says that sex and love should go together and that having sex with someone other than your spouse is an unforgivable sin that ought to lead to the dissolution of the relationship. Again, these are knowable things that mostly people never discuss because they are so well understood already.
Conversely, polyamory mindset is that love is an unlimited resource that is not diminished when shared with multiple people. It believes that sex and love don’t necessarily have to go together and that as long as it is done with integrity, people should have the sex lives they want with as many people as they want. Dishonesty is the only real cardinal sin.
That doesn’t mean that there are only two ways of being in love or in relationships because people are individuals — also there are nearly infinite ways to go about ENM that still uphold the basic culture and mindset. Even within monogamous marriage, there is room for a lot of variation, but as I seem to often find myself saying on Medium, a dynamic or a social trend doesn’t mean that absolutely every single person adheres to it in some exacting way. But that also doesn’t mean that there aren’t (at least) two clear and distinct outlooks (mindsets) that have particular definable characteristics.
Maybe mindset isn’t the exact right word, but I think my intention with the word is pretty clear. And of course, mindsets can change. The term doesn’t mean that the mind is literally set in stone; it means that a certain culture or a way of thinking is exerting influence. My husband and I were happily monogamous for over 20 years. Then we changed our mindset and decided that we wanted to be swingers. Then we changed our mindset again and became polyamorous.
Would that work in the exact same way for every couple? No, of course not, and I’ve never claimed that it would, but it does work that way for millions of Americans who practice some form of ENM using the same general way of thinking about relationships. There is a well-defined culture of ENM, just as there is of pretty much any subculture. That doesn’t mean that absolutely everyone who claims to be in that subculture follows it to the letter, but it’s well defined nonetheless. If you Google polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, you’ll find hundreds of articles that say pretty much the same basic things.
My husband and I absolutely co-created a particular version of polyamory that works for us specifically — for our personalities, needs, etc. But that also took place within the auspices of known elements of ENM. Sure everyone has to find their own way and not everyone will even want to attempt to try a different relationship style, but if couples do want to try, and they keep thinking about love as a pie that diminishes ala monogamy, they will never have any success with polyamory. Because it’s a totally different mindset. 😉
