The prevailing culture of masculinity is harmful - to women, but also to men. The American Psychological Association recently released new guidelines for men and boys based on 40 years of research that concludes this - so it's not just feminists saying it. Unless men are challenging that, they are complicit in it and allowing it to continue. Women have to allow and support these changes but we wouldn't live in violent rape cultures if the problem were only a few bad individuals. Clinging to the notion that there are good guys and bad guys is again counter-factual and counter-productive. There are cultures where rape doesn't exist and where performative violence is viewed as lazy and childish. We don't because we have the societies that we tolerate.
“[Ours] is a culture in which sexualized violence, sexual violence, and violence-by-sex are so common that they should be considered normal. Not normal in the sense of healthy or preferred, but an expression of the sexual norms of the culture, not violations of those norms. Rape is illegal, but the sexual ethic that underlies rape is woven into the fabric of the culture.” — Robert Jensen
"Undetected rapists are men who typically behave in stereotypically masculine ways, see sex as conquest, and are hypersensitive to any perceived slight against their manhood. But they are not crazy, and they are not sociopaths. “There is simply no evidence, save the rape itself,” Katharine Baker writes in the Harvard Law Review, “suggesting that all or even most rapists are objectively depraved.” Chillingly, she goes on to say that given the social norms that encourage it, there is evidence that rape is “culturally dictated, not culturally deviant.” (emphasis mine)
We don't live in societies where 85% of women started getting sexually harassed in childhood and where 1 in 4 are raped because of a few bad apples, so you can just stop with that line of complaint. I know that you are someone who has not engaged in these types of behaviors, but the fact is, they are central to Western masculinity and unless you're actively challenging them, you are complicit in the resulting society and whining that men shouldn't be blamed is out of line.
Of course not all lonely male virgins are violent terrorists, but language evolves and at this point in time the term incel refers to a body of lonely males virgins who are so violent and so dangerous that they are on a bunch of national terrorism watch lists. Pretending that's not true or is somehow unfair and not a major problem is another way to be complicit with the existing problematic culture.
https://www.adl.org/resources/backgrounder/incels-involuntary-celibates
"The incel ideology is rooted in the belief that women have too much power in the sexual/romantic sphere and ruin incels’ lives by rejecting them. Incels are the most violent sector of the manosphere, and have perpetrated a range of deadly attacks against women."
Back to dating, you don't have to look at research and data sets to know what I'm saying is right - just look outside at real life. I see really pretty women paired with so-so or even kind of homely looking guys all of the time, and it's not because they are all super rich either. All shapes and sized and economic levels of people are paired up - because it would be evolutionary suicide for it to be any other way. Diversity is the most evolutionarily sound mating strategy and all the women I know care way more about personality than they do about looks as long as the guy is clean, dressed in a normal way, and presents himself as friendly and engaging (something that is hard to do on dating apps). Are you actually going to be so condescending as to say that all women are lying about what they want in a man? Because that’s a huge problem in and of itself.
You seem to be under the impression that your personal experiences count as universal and I'm simply pointing out to you that they're not and it's erroneous to speak as if they are. And it's not like logic is going to convince you, so I guess I'm just going to hang it up.
Edit: The short version is, women respond to how men make them feel. Individual women may prioritize different aspects of that dynamic, but that’s basically what it comes down to. Of course women like handsome men, but that isn’t the main criteria for the vast majority of women.
