The problem is, most men are completely and totally identified with patriarchy and the privileges of being a man, even if they have some understanding of how it also harms them. It’s deeply in the subconscious. They've been indoctrinated since birth that being male is better, smarter, more capable, than being female and that "not being a girl" is the primary way to ensure that you create your identity as a boy/man.
This is absolutely not their fault as it is what they were indoctrinated into since birth, something that women also participate in as well, but it's fathers (and other men) who are the most invested in their boys fitting into the Man Box.
And, as with racism, having grown up that way and being taught to act and think like that is not a free pass. To a large extent, it’s not up to women to educate or cajole men into doing better, even though that seems to be what I spend a lot of my time trying to do. 😸
I overwhelmingly talk about the social system of patriarchy and how it's a dominance hierarchy that primarily benefits "the patriarchs" and not regular men. In the past year I've moved more and more toward discussions of all the ways that patriarchy disadvantages the little guy, and sets him up to struggle in a world he is not intended to thrive in. Some guys are receptive to that, but most that I encounter (which may be skewed due to who replies on the internet) are deeply bought into the system and the ways that they think it's A) who they should be, and B) what they are entitled to
The "someplace else" is to be a good human being, in whatever ways work for and are important to the individual. Most men don't want that. They want some sort of other "masculine identity" because they've bought into the idea that they are inherently different from girls/women and why would they give up cultural centrality and all the perks of being male? It's not just MAGA types who don't want to give up the status quo. I've had more disappointing conversations than I can count with younger progressive guys.
“In a recent discussion with Jack Brown about gender identity he said this: Without an attractive, uniquely gendered identity to move toward, why would the average guy abandon the old one?
An interesting question to be sure, but I feel like boys have been told their whole lives that they are better than girls and a lot of them don’t want to have to accept that they aren’t. So, if a man needs a gendered identity — where it’s not enough to just be a good person — that is actually part of the problem because it stems from assumptions that there are fundamental differences between men and women (rather than differences between individuals as they embody their gender) — something that led to the past 5k years of oppression and marginalization of women.”
“The patriarchal model that tells men that they must be in control at all times is at odds with cultivating the capacity to be responsible, which requires knowing when to control and when to surrender and let go. Responsible men are capable of self-criticism. If more men were doing the work of self-critique, then they would not be wounded, hurt, or chagrined when critiqued by others, especially women with whom they are intimate.
Engaging in self-critique empowers responsible males to admit mistakes. When they have wronged others, they are willing to acknowledge wrongdoing and make amends. When others have wronged them, they are able to forgive. The ability to be forgiving is part of letting go of perfectionism and accepting vulnerability.”
— The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks
“I emphasized that patriarchal ideology brainwashes men to believe that their domination of women is beneficial when it is not: Often feminist activists affirm this logic when we should be constantly naming these acts as expressions of perverted power relations, general lack of control of one’s actions, emotional powerlessness, extreme irrationality, and in many cases, outright insanity. Passive male absorption of sexist ideology enables men to falsely interpret this disturbed behavior positively. As long as men are brainwashed to equate violent domination and abuse of women with privilege, they will have no understanding of the damage done to themselves or to others, and no motivation to change.
Patriarchy demands of men that they become and remain emotional cripples. Since it is a system that denies men full access to their freedom of will, it is difficult for any man of any class to rebel against patriarchy, to be disloyal to the patriarchal parent, be that parent female or male.”
— The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks
Edit: I have an entire segment of my page devoted to looking at what patriarchy actually is and means, and how it affects both women and everyone else. I’m not expecting you to read all of those, particularly since there are probably at least 50 stories, but simply to note that I’m committed to having real discussions about what is taking place in our culture.
