They are trained by society — not directly as in “here’s a lesson book on how to take women for granted” but in many subtle yet pervasive ways none-the-less. As I’ve already said, it comes throughout movies, media, and other societal messaging although some of it does comes from parents and peers. There are dozens if not hundreds of stories here on Medium alone where women have recounted the effects of this type of messaging on their lives. Here’s just one, from Yael Wolfe:
“In fact, my dad, who was raised deeply entrenched in the values of the patriarchy, told me that I had to learn to “put up” with what men wanted to do to me. That I should be careful, because if I wore certain clothing or said certain things, a man would expect me to put out — and I would have to, whether or not I wanted to.
I grew up believing that what happened to my body would never be determined by me, but by the men in my life.”
You seem to have glossed over the part of my story where I mentioned the research done by Nicole Bedera and other researchers who reported that the young men they interviewed both said that they understood and supported Yes means Yes consent but then at the same time self-reported that they often did things which violated consent and in some cases qualified as sexual assualt. What that research demonstrates is that boys and men have it so deeply embedded in their subconscious that women exist for their pleasure and enjoyment that it may not even occur to them that they are violating the affirmative consent that they say they believe in.
You know what I’m fed up with? Defensive men who care more about their hurt feelings (when they aren’t even being individually accused of anything) than the pervasive negative experience of most if not all women. This story doesn’t trash men, it trashes patriarchal society, which hurts both men and women, albeit in slightly different ways. Pretty much every woman alive has had negative experiences due to this dynamic and we’re not going to stop talking about how hurtful and destructive it’s been in our lives just because you can’t understand the difference between a personal accusation and a societal dynamic.
Don’t judge or denigrate someone else’s pain just because you don’t like hearing what they are saying. We’re not making shit up to attack you. This story isn’t about you. It’s about what #TooManyWomen experience.
