This is what Ciaran said, "but telling me that a cause that’s named after the female gender isn’t purely dedicated to their supremacy is a tough sell." So yes, that is what he thinks the term implies.

Edit: When I followed up with him, he further said this:

‘I’m a feminist’

That sounds to me like like the goal is to put women first.

And then you agreed with him that the name was a problem. "I think that's right" is what you replied. The implication seemed to be that you also agreed that feminism supports female supremacy. You might want to be more careful with your responses in the future if you don't want them to be misunderstood.

What is offensive and highly problematic is that it seems out of line to both of you for women to put their own needs to the fore by calling this movement feminism rather than humanism or something that includes men more overtly. It is exactly like the racists who complain about Black Lives Matter not being called All Lives Matter. It's whataboutmeism that recenters the focus back on the dominant group, rather than on the marginalized group that is seeking redress and equality.

When you use the same rhetoric as people who seek to dismiss and undermine feminism, then you are allowing yourself to become part of the problem rather than part of the solution, as I believe you wish to be.

The fact that people who are offended by feminism have poisoned the term means to me that those who have bought into that need to be re-educated, not that we need to somehow be ashamed of the term, or to apologize for a movement that is indeed focused primarily on the needs of women - because women are the ones who are being oppressed.

A huge aspect of misogyny is that it is inappropriate for women to focus on their own needs. It serves a misogynist narrative to agree that feminism is an inappropriate or problematic term.

If you feel that it's more practical somehow to not use that term with some people, I certainly understand that. But that is different than actually agreeing that the term is somehow selfish and inappropriate - which is very much what it looked like you were doing by agreeing with Ciaran.

Women spend their entire lives being told to smile, be more accommodating, more pleasing, don't say things that men find disagreeable, etc. You seeming to be further encouraging that is just more than I can stomach, no matter the good intentions that might be behind it. As I noted, it makes my head want to explode and I am in general, a very calm and even tempered person who can engage in debate with no real issues. But when someone who is ostensibly an ally says a lot of the same things that anti-feminists say, it's a bit hard to swallow and it causes me a lot of distress.

Edit: In addition, when someone who clearly does not understand the nuances of female experience (such as constantly being exhorted to be more agreeable to men) tries to tell us how to “do it better” by essentially pandering to patriarchal norms, I find it condescending and tone deaf — despite good intentions.

So, as noted before, I think the solution is for me to just let you do your thing without comment because I haven't read it.