Uh, that’s what’s known as rape. Even after close to 30 years with James, he doesn’t get to ravage me without a say in the matter, and I sure don’t want him to. There are times where he is really assertive and I agree that confidence is sexy, but equating a man “taking what he wants” with sexy is rape culture.

I think the way around this is to take a page from BDSM culture and negotiate the parameters beforehand. If you don’t think that’s sexy, you’ve clearly never seen it in action. We do this with new lovers all the time “This is off the table, this is a maybe, depending on how I feel in the moment, these are the things I really enjoy. Tell me about what you like and don’t.” We talk about this while our clothes are still on but usually right before they start coming off. Then when we have sex, we don’t have to worry about inadvertently crossing boundaries and we know which things have to be asked about and which don’t. It’s plenty hot because everyone feels safe and free.

There are some things James still asks me about even if we’ve already started having sex. Sometimes I like anal and sometimes I don’t, so he doesn’t just assume that because we did that last time that it’s OK for this time. That’s real respect and I find that a lot sexier than being treated like I don’t have any say in the matter.