Well, here’s the history of advocacy in America (any kind of advocacy): The people in question politely bring up that there is an issue, and ask for those in power to help them address it. Those in power turn a blind eye, shame them for not being satisfied with what they’ve been given, tell them they are crazy/ungrateful/grasping/entitled etc. So, the advocates then have to ramp up their advocacy and begin demanding in a louder and more forceful way that their concerns be heard and taken seriously. This cycle continues, sometimes for 100 years as in the case of women’s suffrage, until finally, at long last, those in power who have been resisting get on board and make a change.
Blaming the advocates for getting fed up and speaking ever more forcefully and loudly in the face of continually being ignored and brushed off is a ploy to allow the status quo to continue. And, talking about the facts is not actually being strident, or forceful — it’s just talking about the reality of things. You having a knee-jerk reaction to that is on you, not on the people who made the statements. If you want to be an actual ally, then don’t make snarky retorts to advocates who are stating the facts. Point out that you agree. Be supportive. Talk about the ways that you have taken this on in your own life and relationship. This is undoubtedly what a PhD in social sciences with expertise in this area would do
Stop acting like people talking about a pervasive societal issue are directing that at you in particular, because it’s not about you.
“The alternative, which I can’t believe that anyone who is really thinking it through supports, is that black people should be more gracious about the negative experiences that they have based in cultural narratives and stereotypes. Women should just accept that catcalling and sexual harassment are a part of life and that 1 in 5 of them will be raped. Gay people should understand that it’s one thing to have a private relationship but if you want to be “gay in public” that you just might get beat up.
My response to this is No, that’s just idiotic and those people are not the problem. The perpetrators of violence, abuse, and harassment are the problem, and the culture that supports this kick the dog mentality is the problem. Calling out bad behavior and describing how you’ve been hurt by it is not another form of bad behavior. Too bad if it’s rocking the boat. It’s a rotted boat, and it needs to be replaced.”
“The culture of something determines what is pervasively acceptable, and the culture of the United States (and most other Western countries) is rooted in a dominance-based hierarchy. This means that bullying and trying to exert power over others to gain status is an accepted part of how things operate, particularly for men. This leads to and allows for the individuals who do anti-social things because they can reasonably assume they will suffer no consequences for doing so. (For more about the US as a dominance-based culture read An American Culture of Insecure Bullies.)
Allowing that to continue is the responsibility of us all, but the subcultures created by each demographic bear their own responsibility for what is allowable within them, particularly when the people in those demographics hold both historical and current levels of societal power. White people are more responsible for racism against Blacks than other racial subgroups because they have (and have always had) the institutional power to impact it — both to keep it alive and to mitigate it. Men bear more responsibility for misogyny even though some women support and maintain patriarchy as well because a culture of American masculinity has upheld and institutionalized that, even if not every single man actively participates in it.”
So, you either help by being supportive and doing your part, or you are a part of the problem, because there is no such thing as neutrality. As Elie Wiesel famously pointed out, “Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
