"What is the actual difference in a black man filter and a red haired man filter other than one being strongly condemned?" The difference is that the woman you described has perception based on her personal bad experiences which are far from universal where hundreds of thousands of black people have had the perception of racism based on their shared experiences over time. That's not tribalism - it's data, and truth.

I understand how being vulnerable enough to demonstrate empathy can be difficult, but there are other options available other than actively victim-blaming, dismissing the hurts of others as overblown or made up, and otherwise making their lives worse by telling them that they are actually the problem - the ones who are creating disord and disunity - by daring to speak about the pain in their lives. There are other options to doing that when active empathy feels scary. A drunk driver does't get to be absolved of the damage they cause just because they drank due to their own pain.

Empathy is always valuable in and of itself in that it fosters the bonds that keep us human. Not being able to act on it, or putting it to one side for self-preservation in a particularly scenario, will happen. Brene Brown says that years of her research demonstrates, those who have the most compassion have the best boundaries. They aren't inconsistent or polar opposites. Those two things are deeply intertwined. Being willing and able to maintain healthy boundaries is what allows me to feel empathy, even as it sometimes steps me back from the situation at the same time.