You are helping to co-create the society - either with your words or your silence, with your actions or your inactions. Your silence and inaction, you're turning a blind eye to harm - that's what allows this dysfunctional culture to perpetuate. Trying to absolve yourself by "opting out" is what children do. It's not "divisive" to talk about what is actually going on. In fact, it's the only way that we can actually co-create something better - if we actually understand and accept the properties of the issues. Being too fragile to acknowledge that is a huge part of why the issues continue unabated. I'm not going to censor the truth because it's hard for you to hear.
This is not just angry women tired of being hurt who are saying this. The American Psychological Association recently released new guidelines (based on 40 years of research) for working with boys and men. It recognizes and seeks to mitigate the ways that mainstream masculine norms harm men (and by extension, harm others as well).
"The main thrust of the subsequent research is that traditional masculinity—marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression—is, on the whole, harmful. Men socialized in this way are less likely to engage in healthy behaviors."
"Research done at Cambridge University indicates that men are more likely to listen to other men — both around issues of gender and race. They are able to present information as well as to confront inequality with much fewer negative repercussions than members of the groups in question."
"Furthermore, this work suggests that to oppose prejudice, discrimination, and inequity, we must change social norms around these issues and practices."
I'm sorry, but you sitting on the sidelines saying "I didn't do it" just doesn't cut it. I don't have contempt for men (and neither does Jude) - I have contempt for men who want to put all the focus on their needs and their problems without acknowledging the ways that they contribute to those (by clinging to patriarchy) and the ways that they harm women and society (by clinging to patriarchy). I'm 59 years old. For the most part, violence against women has not improved since I was a child. I don't have the luxury of "niceness" Just how much more rape, harassment, discrimination, and marginalization are we supposed to tolerate while you sit back and worry that it's unfair to talk about that?
Your platitude about “listening to each other” is empty and meaningless, because you are refusing to listen, refusing to accept the perspective of somebody who has not only lived through all of this shit, but who has studied it professionally. It’s bullshit that further absolves you from having to actually do anything meaningful or useful.
Men’s violence against women is a pervasive social phenomenon with deep roots in existing personal, social, and institutional arrangements. In order for people to understand and ultimately work together to prevent it, it is first necessary for them to engage in a great deal of personal and collective introspection. This introspection can be especially threatening to men, because as perpetrators and bystanders, they are responsible for the bulk of the problem.
Katz, Jackson. The Macho Paradox (p. 24). Sourcebooks. Kindle Edition.
